…. These calm waters



These calm waters.
I want to learn to live in a place that reflects this calmness… This peace.
Constantly seeking out ways to discover the joy and peace in the day to day stress and in the mundane tasks that surround this restless creative soul of mine. This season of life feels so frantic. This pace. It’s constant. I feel like life is a marathon. I have been really trying to be proactive about my self care, my nutrition, my own internal discussions about my place in this world and how I show up. I was chatting with my love this morning and said, “I don’t want to say the words, ‘I’m tired.’ anymore. I am tired of saying I am tired.” Tired of having to spend time doing things I don’t like and tired of not being able to invest more time in relationships and in connecting with what really matters. I feel like I am in a constant search for contentment in a place that makes me unhappy. And when I am gutterly honest about my feelings, I second guess myself and wonder if it’s me not seeking hard enough, not looking for what I have and the goodness of the situation. It’s a paradox of all kinds of thoughts and emotions. So today.. I sit here and I place my hand over my heart and my belly and I bless myself. That’s all I can think to do. And I once again seek out gratitude and call out what I do have and what I am incredibly grateful for. It’s a start to today. I want to be here.. In my skin… With all of these intense feelings and thoughts.. In the hardness of the season. I truly wouldn’t have it any other way.

Pieces of freedom



An ongoing theme that surrounds us today is the topic of freedom.
I hear people say all the time, “I just want to be free.”
Even in myself, my heart aches and desires freedom.

The freedom I am talking about is the freedom connected to the feeling of peace.
A human beings desire for peace inside them self.
I think when people say they want to be free inside, what they are saying is they want peace.

Peace in mind.
Peace in spirit.
Peace in body.

Now I realize there are many pieces to freedom, but there is one piece that I have found to be vital in the process.

Something that has arisen to the surface of my own soul work and journey is the awareness that freedom requires choice.

Freedom cannot be acquired without choice.

One cannot have freedom without the true option to choose for them self.

Choice creates freedom.

I have many areas inside my own self that I have felt were choices that were made for me. Areas I didn’t get to choose for myself.

There are also areas I did choose, but realized were things that didn’t fit me.
But because of social pressure or community pressure, I kept the choice but lived in misery.

My greatest freedoms have come from a new place of giving myself permission to choose.

The questions I ask myself when choosing anything are, “How does this feel? Does this “activity, area, thing” bring me peace? Does it feel good? Does it serve me…my life…my family?”

I liken it to a pair of pants.
I will try on something, wear it for a little while and decide for myself if it’s a good fit for me.

If it’s not, I drop it.
If it is, I integrate into myself.

And sometimes what was chosen at one season of life, won’t fit in another season…. so choose again.

Freedom to choose is as individual as you and I.

This applies to all areas of our humanity.
Internal ethics
Partnership or marriage
The list goes on and on….

True freedom comes from a space of giving ones self and others the permission to choose. It’s every human being’s divine right to choose.

You get to choose for yourself what is for you and what is not.

May today be a day that you give yourself permission to choose what is authentic for you. May freedom be sparked and ignited in you.
May you be free.

On being and RE-becoming human

Tomasz Alen Kopera                                                             
Picture source = Tomasz Alen Kopera


I am human.

This statement was once a statement I couldn’t say.

In my life, I have known a very different definition of what it means to be human.

Most of my life, to be human meant to be evil and “bad”.

To be human was repugnant and unacceptable to God.

To be human was a curse and not a blessing.

My humanity was a unruley animal to be subjected to extreme measures of discipline.

Be perfect.

Be flawless.

I am beginning to see that the very thing that has been wounded in me, is the very piece I have never allowed myself to step into. To be whole and healthy is to allow my my humanity to breathe. I have shoved it down inside me for too long. I have managed it, numbed it, starved it, and abused it. It would still emerge, but as a wounded and ravinous animal. It would lash out… wild and unrulely. Craving life and demanding it.

In understanding what it means to be whole, I have realized that wholeness is the integration of spirit and humanity.

Of shadow and light.

I am both. not just one or the other.

Looking over my journey, I can see this  common thread… a theme of permission.

Permission to feel. permission to live as yourself. permission to step into your truer life. permission to embrace your shadow. Now that I look at it from this space in my journey, the bigger message is, “Amy, permission to be human.

So in this emerging, I am unraveling. and being re-conditioned. To embrace and love my humanity as a gift, instead of hating it and abusing it as a curse. My body. My brain. My nervous system. My soul. These are my gifts…they are my friends to be cherished and loved. They need to be understood and taken care of. Not beat down, yelled at and shoved to the side. I had the thought last night, that when we don’t love our humanity and take time to understand it and nourish it, it’s like a wild animal. If it is caged and abused, it turns toxic and becomes unruly. It will become a monster.

But if it is embraces, cared for, understood and loved, it will integrate. Balance will come. Wholeness will emerge.

Allowing myself to BE fully human, creates the most healthiest me. I live my most truest life as the ever evolving truest version of me. True choice emerges, and I can choose what path, what decision serves the whole of my life.



Self acceptance 

I have found that a common fear when it comes to any kind of “acceptance”, is this fear of complacency or of never changing. The fear that acceptance means to stay static and never move forward. In reality acceptance simply means I am aware that there are behaviors in me that do not serve my life or my sphere of influence. But I am going to accept myself within the process. I am going to put down harsh judgement, self shame and self condemnation. I am going to instead offer myself kindness and self compassion in the process. I will stumble. I will fall flat on my face. And every time I do, I will offer myself a helping hand, a quick dust off and a kind word. 
Acceptance is Love and it incoorperates moving through life with self compassion and kindness. Acceptance is realizing that there are areas that need to change, or what I like to call, come into balance. But in doing so, acceptance causes us to lose the harsh self judgement.
“The point of acceptance is NOT to buy a new hammer. The point of acceptance is to put the hammer down.”

Such a beautiful offering from Curvy Yoga on “putting the hammer down.” I hope you enjoy it!




A note from a working and conscious momma.

Dear precious friends and family,
I want to tell you something about myself and how I am learning to navigate life.

I have a really difficult time with the excessive amount of activity in my life as well as the amount of over stimulation in our culture.

I am discovering that I am a really sensitive person.

I thrive in a slower paced world, and unfortunately that isn’t the world we live in.

I get very over stimulated, and have to be PRO-active in taking care of myself.

I have to create a slower paced world inside this fast paced world so as to not melt down and give my family scraps of myself.

I also have to have real, in the flesh connection with the world that I am in.

I need my feet to touch the earth, my face to be kissed by wind, and hands to feel the softness of my lovers skin. I seek it out every day because I HAVE to have it. I have to see my children’s eyes and listen to their voices. I have to stop multiple times in my day and remember to breathe because I find I am holding my breath. I have set reminders to nudge me to remember it’s ok to be human in what feels like a robotically frantic world. All of this is vital to me or it’s easy to slip into survival mode for me and that benefits nobody.

I am awake.


I want to stay awake.

Being awake means no more numbing out, and feeling everything.

I am in a season of working. My job requires a lot of time on the computer… so when I leave my office, my unwinding starts in the car. When I walk in the door at home, I cannot stare at any kind of screen. I have to stay away from screens. My eyes and body and mind scream at me if I have to sit down and stare at any kind of screened object. This includes my phone, FB, Instagram, TV, etc…

It’s like being so full on food that you cannot even think of eating any more or you will burst…that’s how I feel each day that I drive home from work.

I have to exercise and move my body to expend and drain the energy from my body because I have sat all day long. I make mindful choices to stand, walk, breathe and stretch my body.

But when I am finally home, I want to surround myself with my kids, and listen to them share about their day, or just BE in their noises and presence.

Being present in the world is a choice I have made. It also means no more numbing to cope with the intensity of all the emotions that I feel.

I have to pull away. I have to wrap my arms around myself and my loved ones. I have to silence out the frantic voices that surround me and lean in to listen. to be. to be awake.

I choose to be present.

When I am home, being present to my family is so important to me. and. Being present for me doesn’t include anything with a screen…unless it involves sharing it with my family.

I find these days, if I choose social media, I am drawn to simpler less frantic and noisy environments like Twitter, where I can share a quick ah ha moment or Instagram, where I can share pictures. Very few people interact or do more then comment, and this is ok by me. It’s a space I can throw out a bite of something and get off. I don’t ever feel sucked in and realize I have just spent an hour paroosing around.

But when I am home, I am just not plugged in. I don’t want to be plugged into what isn’t here with me. I want to plug in with those that ARE with me.

I take care of my body and mind.

I have also intentionally have started to live in a way that takes really good care of my body and mind. It’s called radical self care. I do this so that in turn I can take good care of my family. It’s not acceptable to me to offer everybody the best parts of myself and all my attention, and then offer my family the leftover scraps of myself and my attention.
You see, I only have them with me for about 8 more years… and I just won’t miss out on these years with them.

So, I pull in. and I know you feel it. I know that it feels painful or that you feel my pulling in. But I want you to know that it isn’t you. It isn’t me not loving you or me not wanting to connect with you…be it here on social media, over text, etc… 

I DO pull back from anything that isn’t real and doesn’t contribute to this time with my family. Because it’s all I can do in the frantic busyness of life to stay balanced and give my best to those I love. 

So.. my ringer on my phone is off almost all the time. I check in, but I have no notifications on unless it’s my hub or children. This is me finding my way.. finding my balance. Being restored and filled and present to my world.

I DON’T spend a lot of time away from my family.

Time is precious. Energy is precious. My brain’s attention feels so flighty if I am not careful, and I want the one’s I love to have me…all of me. So, in the busyness of this season, I say, “No.” to anything that takes me away from them.

I don’t talk often over text.

I have notifications for all my apps on my phone turned off. 

I am not on social media at all times.

I don’t go out often over the weekends.

I am not chatty in group texts.

I would rather us connect live then over technology.

I CHOOSE this way of being because I don’t want to lose time with my children. They will be grown in a blink of an eye, and I refuse to miss out on their lives. I refuse to miss out on being present with them, being here to catch those happenstantial conversations when their heart cracks open, and I have the awesome privilege to witness who they are.

I will have so much time later when they are out of my home, and flying on their own.

But for now, I make purposeful choices to pull in, unplug often, and lean in to each of their hearts.















Loving you is loving me.

There is so much fear and skewed definitions around the meaning of self care and self love. The definition that I have come to understand is nothing like how I used to define what it means to love myself. 

To love myself isn’t to be lazy, demanding, cruel or selfish in a way that is destructive to myself, my family or the world. It simply means I will speak to myself as I would speak to someone I love very much. I will care for myself as I would care and nurture someone I love very much. I will notice without judgement or shaming those patterns and behaviors that I know need to change. And from this space, I will live and offer this same love to others. To offer myself kindness, compassion and nourishment allows me to truly love and offer the world the same. I cannot love others if I do not love myself. It’s not possible. In Jesus’ own words, he says, “love your neighbor as you love yourself.” If I do not love myself, I most definitely could act in the emotion of love but not in the life changing energy of love. I think we see this emotion of love a lot in our world. It’s nice, but it’s not life altering. It’s emotional and can change with a person’s mood. The divine energy of love will actually bring life giving and life altering change to another, the emotion of love will not. It’s deeper. It’s boundless and all encompassing. It has to be experienced first before you can give it away. 

It’s vital to love myself and to accept myself in all I am because only from that space will wholeness and integration of both my shadow and my light come together. We come into wholeness so that we can be an instrument of love, peace and healing to the world. Offering our love, gifts and skills to heal the world. 

So, you see, to love myself and to care for myself isn’t just for me, it’s so much greater then that. It’s for the world. Its for my family, my friends, my neighbor, my coworkers, the homeless man in the corner…the world. It’s loving myself as God loves me, then from that knowing space, it’s loving others as God loves them. 

If you have not personally experienced love by first loving yourself as the Divine loves you, you cannot give what you do not first possess.

So you see… When you love you, you are opening up your heart to loving me. 

Choice IS Freedom

I am so grateful for the glorious ability in this life to try things and see if those things fit me.
In this unraveling journey, I have let go of the fear of failure and the illusion of perfection.
I have begun to embrace a different word.


Freedom means choice. Freedom means you get to choose. Period.
There is nothing wrong, bad, ugly or dirty about that.

Freedom involves you. The Divine in you. Living life and trying things out.

Freedom feels like trying on clothes to me.
Sometimes trying something on feels tight and restrictive. It brings me sadness and stress, and I know it’s not for me.
Sometimes trying something on feels peaceful and there’s a rest that settles inside.

Sometimes what felt good and peaceful at first, doesn’t stay that way.
And it will all of a sudden begin to feel tight and restrictive…not
fitting me or the needs of my family anymore.

Freedom means I am not ever stuck and I can choose something different.
It also means I am never a victim to life. a person. a job. or ??

Freedom is individual to you.
To your unique makeup, desires and all your glorious wiring.
What is freedom to one, is not freedom to another

Freedom means there’s no, “doing it wrong”.
There’s no, “not pleasing God”.
There’s no finding the illusive, “perfect will of God”.
There’s no paralyzing fear that if I miss the mark, I forfeit blessing and abundance for myself and my family.

No. That’s not freedom. and that is not Love.
That is the kind of thinking that breeds fear.
And fear and Love cannot co-exist.
There is either one leading your life or the other.

For this I know, the Divine in me is just that.. IN me.
Like a un-breakable, eternal thread, woven in and out of my internal fabric.
There is no separating me from God, anymore then there is separating the thread that holds my very being together.

God doesn’t hide. God makes Divine direction very clear in the way I
can see it, know it and feel it. Through my desires. Through the deep
knowings inside.
Through my trying things on and deciphering if those things work for me. And when they do…there is bliss. there is peace.
But when they don’t… there is discomfort. and lack of peace.
Simple. and uncomplicated.

If I miss the mark, I set my aim at in a different direction, and try again.
That… that right there is freedom and living inside freedom.

These are the questions that arise from the Divine within me on any given life situation or relationship,

“Does this bring peace? Does this feel right inside? Does this serve me, my family and the whole of my life?”

For this is Freedom. This is being led by Love.