Dear precious friends and family,
I want to tell you something about myself and how I am learning to navigate life.
I have a really difficult time with the excessive amount of activity in my life as well as the amount of over stimulation in our culture.
I am discovering that I am a really sensitive person.
I thrive in a slower paced world, and unfortunately that isn’t the world we live in.
I get very over stimulated, and have to be PRO-active in taking care of myself.
I have to create a slower paced world inside this fast paced world so as to not melt down and give my family scraps of myself.
I also have to have real, in the flesh connection with the world that I am in.
I need my feet to touch the earth, my face to be kissed by wind, and hands to feel the softness of my lovers skin. I seek it out every day because I HAVE to have it. I have to see my children’s eyes and listen to their voices. I have to stop multiple times in my day and remember to breathe because I find I am holding my breath. I have set reminders to nudge me to remember it’s ok to be human in what feels like a robotically frantic world. All of this is vital to me or it’s easy to slip into survival mode for me and that benefits nobody.
I am awake.
I want to stay awake.
Being awake means no more numbing out, and feeling everything.
I am in a season of working. My job requires a lot of time on the computer… so when I leave my office, my unwinding starts in the car. When I walk in the door at home, I cannot stare at any kind of screen. I have to stay away from screens. My eyes and body and mind scream at me if I have to sit down and stare at any kind of screened object. This includes my phone, FB, Instagram, TV, etc…
It’s like being so full on food that you cannot even think of eating any more or you will burst…that’s how I feel each day that I drive home from work.
I have to exercise and move my body to expend and drain the energy from my body because I have sat all day long. I make mindful choices to stand, walk, breathe and stretch my body.
But when I am finally home, I want to surround myself with my kids, and listen to them share about their day, or just BE in their noises and presence.
Being present in the world is a choice I have made. It also means no more numbing to cope with the intensity of all the emotions that I feel.
I have to pull away. I have to wrap my arms around myself and my loved ones. I have to silence out the frantic voices that surround me and lean in to listen. to be. to be awake.
I choose to be present.
When I am home, being present to my family is so important to me. and. Being present for me doesn’t include anything with a screen…unless it involves sharing it with my family.
I find these days, if I choose social media, I am drawn to simpler less frantic and noisy environments like Twitter, where I can share a quick ah ha moment or Instagram, where I can share pictures. Very few people interact or do more then comment, and this is ok by me. It’s a space I can throw out a bite of something and get off. I don’t ever feel sucked in and realize I have just spent an hour paroosing around.
But when I am home, I am just not plugged in. I don’t want to be plugged into what isn’t here with me. I want to plug in with those that ARE with me.
I take care of my body and mind.
I have also intentionally have started to live in a way that takes really good care of my body and mind. It’s called radical self care. I do this so that in turn I can take good care of my family. It’s not acceptable to me to offer everybody the best parts of myself and all my attention, and then offer my family the leftover scraps of myself and my attention.
You see, I only have them with me for about 8 more years… and I just won’t miss out on these years with them.
So, I pull in. and I know you feel it. I know that it feels painful or that you feel my pulling in. But I want you to know that it isn’t you. It isn’t me not loving you or me not wanting to connect with you…be it here on social media, over text, etc…
I DO pull back from anything that isn’t real and doesn’t contribute to this time with my family. Because it’s all I can do in the frantic busyness of life to stay balanced and give my best to those I love.
So.. my ringer on my phone is off almost all the time. I check in, but I have no notifications on unless it’s my hub or children. This is me finding my way.. finding my balance. Being restored and filled and present to my world.
I DON’T spend a lot of time away from my family.
Time is precious. Energy is precious. My brain’s attention feels so flighty if I am not careful, and I want the one’s I love to have me…all of me. So, in the busyness of this season, I say, “No.” to anything that takes me away from them.
I don’t talk often over text.
I have notifications for all my apps on my phone turned off.
I am not on social media at all times.
I don’t go out often over the weekends.
I am not chatty in group texts.
I would rather us connect live then over technology.
I CHOOSE this way of being because I don’t want to lose time with my children. They will be grown in a blink of an eye, and I refuse to miss out on their lives. I refuse to miss out on being present with them, being here to catch those happenstantial conversations when their heart cracks open, and I have the awesome privilege to witness who they are.
I will have so much time later when they are out of my home, and flying on their own.
But for now, I make purposeful choices to pull in, unplug often, and lean in to each of their hearts.